Perfectly Imperfect

All of a sudden, I feel like Britney Spears. She was right. I’m not a girl, not yet a woman. And, it f***ing sucks. Excuse my language.

I have become more adult in the past six months, it feels, than ever before. Although this could be attributed simply to my fleeing Los Angeles (where adult children thrive) in my new role as a business owner in suburbia, there’s also been a lot of other shifting. Shifting into a sense of suddenly knowing. Knowing what? Ironically, I have no idea. And yet, a calm persists. I’ll take it.

[Shakti rams her head against my leg in a rewarded effort to engorge her beef meaty bone.] Perfect imperfection is a practice I’m embracing full force. It means that I can arrive 10-15 (sometimes even 20) minutes late to any engagement and feel justified; I’m imperfect. Haven’t you heard? I still feel terrible but send an early notice text that I’m running behind. I’m imperfect after all. And that’s all imperfect people are expected to do. Move forward. Be human. Embrace whatever’s happening with humble honesty. We’re all imperfect after all.

So, I’ve found some of the happiest moments during my indulgence in imperfection. It’s a painful thing to lose people due to a perceived imperfection, or several – just because nobody’s perfect. I’ve found that many of the people I admire most in my life have lost others through a prolonged misunderstanding, or unresolved disagreement. It’s a painful point, but I’ve realized that self-conception is everything. And that if I can truly live with myself happily, I’m more able to live with others well. I honor the moments of my imperfection as benchmarks and growing pains. Anyone who can’t wait out my darkest moments doesn’t deserve my best and brightest. An unfortunate truth.

I’ve learned that honoring myself is an acceptable first priority. I’m ever grateful to the many strong women in my life who have encouraged me to feel, honor and acknowledge the difficult moments in my life. The sooner we acknowledge our vulnerabilities the stronger we become. I believe it, and I’ve seen it. I’m ever stronger from the village and tribe that has emerged in this community. With me, not from me or for me, they thrive; we thrive.

It’s clear how we can be happiest in life, finally. Loving others, serving others, loving yourself, serving yourself. From there, everything else comes easily.

More adventures to come no doubt. Just an update to let you know I’m thinking of you. Like love notes from my heart…I’m inspired to approach life with curiosity, because I have a reason to share it. Thanks for reading.

Cheers/YOLO/with gratitude,
Amy

Where do we go from here?

You know, I feel I’ve been writing an awful lot but it hasn’t be here. And it’s time to connect what I’m exploring with who I am, which is what I believe this blog to be. Me, in words.

Whenever I travel, I meet people who are above me and below me on the social totem pole. I meet people who have more and less than me, who understand more or less than me, who feel more or less the same way that I do. It’s a new experience on this trip to San Antonio that I look forward to the responses of others, the interactions of others, to shed light on and make sense of the life I live. For a long time I lived ignorantly in the reality that I already knew all that I needed to know. That I was always right. That I could trust myself, and perhaps no one else. While the latter statement may still be true, the others have met their demise. I have risen out of my graduate program (as I hope many others do) realizing that I know nothing. That I am rarely “right.” That I have so much more to learn that I cannot possibly learn in one lifetime. In fact, I have come to believe that the most dangerous people on Earth are those who believe they have nothing left to learn. Those who believe that they have all the answers.

Particularly in light of the past week and “he who shall not be named” (a fond title I borrow from a past lecturer), we confront a reality that I have not yet know within my lifetime. One of explicit racism, sexism, homophobia, classism, ageism, and simple injustice. And yet, I feel surrounded by hundreds, thousands, even millions of Americans who are likeminded in their beliefs, values and compassion for all others. This weekend, at a Global Religions conference in San Antonio, TX, I leave not necessarily optimistic, but hopeful. And I understand that although the state of our world is in peril, that we are in good company. I was reminded by fellow yogis that relying solely on our intellect will surely kill us (from the inside, out). Living in a linear world of “this, then this, then this,” shows us the way to self-destruction and climate debacle. While living in a world of intuition, of feeling, of compassion, even of fantasy – of heart and consciousness – allows us to live happily (not ignorantly) but positively contributing to a society we can never save, but still save ourselves. This way isn’t isolationist, in fact it’s quite the opposite; it’s all embracing.

I gladly take on those who tell me I live in a fantasy world, that “when I grow up” and shake off my rose tainted glasses, I will see how foolish I was all these years. To them, I can only say that I hope to God (whomever she may be) that this is never the case. That I believe the only contribution I can give to the world is my ability to see beyond the struggle. To offer hope, and love and compassion, even in our darkest days. And if the horrors are all true, if we are facing a decline in civility of humanity, bring it on. Because I know that, until the day I die, I will stand in my truth – which only means that I am full of love. And I will love everyone I can wrap my arms around as long as I am able. Why? Because what service is there in doing anything else? Hate, violence, skepticism, doubt, and fear are only signs there is more work to be done inside. And once we figure out our own selves, work our own shit out, through yoga – learn to love the face, the body, the being we see in our reflection in the mirror – then and only then can we move forth and see the beauty in the outside world, in Nature (most fully) and see all others as this same absence or fulfillment of love.

Start by confronting those feelings and thoughts inside that you don’t want to deal with. This is our work. Our “dharma” in Eastern tradition, our purpose. This is our work. And, it is work. It takes months, even years to face. But know that when we raise out of this hell (which may in fact be the “hell” referenced in Christian Scripture) there is only joy, praise, love and heaven on earth. Seek community in yoga, in Buddhism, in Christianity, in business partners, or whatever your community might be. Seek community and know you are not alone.

If you ask me: Are you religious? I am not. If you ask me: Are you spiritual? I am. If you ask me (as many have) under what lineage? I say: many. I see the truth in every system of beliefs. And to those I may not yet fully understand, I embrace with welcome inquiry. I want to understand. There is not a single person on Earth who does not live and die with the same aspirations for love, prosperity, family, and kinship as his/her neighbor. Only cultural ideals and misinformation divide us. Don’t confront your enemy with hate but kill them with kindness. I have no regrets living this way. And intend to continue living the same. Because, I can’t see any other way.

Love, love, love.

A